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Thursday, December 24, 2009 11:31 PM How such a great mood can be ruined in an instant. In my room, working on my parents presents, with christmas music playing on my laptop, my sister comes in my room saying "dad wants to talk to us about something". Reluctantly I go out, and as I enter the kitchen, my dad tells the two of us "sit down in the living room. I need to tell you guys something important". I could tell my sister was terrified as she grabbed my hand, and the two of us obediently walked to the living room. He sat down across from us, face looking solemn; then after what seemed like hours, he finally said "it's about time you guys are old enough to know what happened." I'll be struck by lightning if I say what this was about because I promised my dad, but once I'm not so shaking, I just need to talk to someone.. This went back for years. Back to 2003, and this has been kept secret from me, my sister, my cousins, all the kids of our generation. My sister and I are the only kids in this entire family who know what has been going on. I'm old enough; apparently I'm able to accept responsibility and grasp what's been happening, but my sister? She's only 10. She barely started using the computer for game purposes. As this was being told, she starting crying, terribly. Looking at her, looking at what was being told to my little sister, having this pain being brought on an innocent 10 year old girl, I cried too. 30 minutes later, I stood up saying "I've heard enough" as I walked into the backyard. My grandma was the first person who was on my mind that I needed to talk to. I called her, having her answer "hello?", and even at that point, I couldn't even reply back without choking up from all the tears being held back. I told her what happened, I told her that dad told Britney and I what has been going on, and she replies "why, just why did your father have to tell you this, putting you and your sister through this pain?" I found myself quiet throughout the entire conversation as she tries to comfort me. It was quiet and subtle, but I heard her crying. She was crying on the other line, and having the most important person in my life cry to me, that's all my heart can handle. Her crying, me crying, I ask myself what has this family gotten itself into that family would turn on family like this. All these years I've been lied to. All these years I've been kept hidden from the cruel reality behind this so called "family". My grandma said "our family had such a good name. In Vietnam, people would envy us for being such a kind family, a family so eager to put aside their own problems to help others. The Ho family had such a big and good name known." My ass. I find that the most ridiculous things ever. I've never been this hurt before. Even breakups; those were nothing more than a pinch to my heart compared to this. I can't even look at my own family the same way anymore. The one thing in my life I never thought, prayed would never happen. Now it's a reality. With 15 minutes till Christmas, I can't help but ask God, "why did you give me a christmas present like this? My grandma loved you, went to church 4 days in a week, prayed to you, talked to you. why would you bring tears to her eyes, and a knife through her heart?" 12:03 PM  Merry Christmas Eve everyone! I hope everyone has been having a good week and into the Christmas Spirit! For me, this doesn't really feel at all like the Christmas Spirit I'm so used to feeling.. It's not just me though, I'm sure of that. A lot of my friends have been experiencing the same thing too. It makes me feel somewhat better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like this lol. Yesterday was actually pretty fun. Although I expected more people, and a car crash -cough-, but nonetheless, it was fun for Lynns' birthday. I hope you had a good time, and hope you have a great birthday! Went to cue with a few people, then stuffed ourselves down with korean bbq! I haven't had that in agessss. After that we just hung around, drove a lot, and in the end we finally parted ways and went home. I guess you could call it a good day :] Today, I have a lot ahead of me to do. First I gotta go back to the mall and pick up my parents x-mas/anniversary present, which my sister and I paid a fortune for lol.. They better love me a lot for this gift. After that, I guess I'm just gonna do some last minute Christmas shopping; yes I know, I'm very very very behind this year lol.. What are you supposed to do when you have no money? -__- After that, I think it'll be night time, so I have to head over to church and get ready for the church play every year. I really don't want to do this.. I didn't even WANT this part in the play lol.. Oh well. I'm doing it for God; that's what they always tell me. After all that is over, I'll be home, enjoying the night away, awaiting for christmas morning as I head over to my cousins house, and our entire family spends Christmas time together :] I really hope everyone has a great day today. Try all your bests to get into the holiday spirit, and I'm especially talking to all you seniors. Did you guys realize? This is our LAST christmas in regular school. Our very last christmas in High school.. After this year, who knows if it'll be the same.. We might've all parted ways, on to our future. We might not all be here together again next year, so I say that we make the most of what we have and enjoy our selves! Class of OHTEN!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 10:58 AM  3rd chances, 4th chances, 5th chances; no matter how many chances someone deserves, if they don't get it right by the 2nd chance, to me, they're gone. I'm not a big fan of 2nd chances. I hardly give them out, but when I do, it's to those who deserve it. Once I give them out, I expect the other person to learn from their mistake, to fix it and become better so that things will work out between the both of us. If they don't fix it by then, they're out of my life. No 3rd chances, no apologies, nothing. I've only had about 2 people who really screwed up to be kicked out of my life. However, not everyone goes by the way I do it. This post is dedicated to a very special friend of mine. A close friend whom I adore dearly. The many times you call me, IM me, talk to me about him. I can't possibly count how many times those were because they were too many. Out of all those times, were any of them good news? No. Almost all, or most of the time, you're on the other side hurt, crying because of what he's done, and all I can do is sit back, try to comfort you, and ask "why is this guy so stupid to hurt probably the best girl who's ever going to come in his life"? I'm really tired of dumbasses who get someone far too good for them, and even in the end, they don't know how to treat that person right, and that person ends up getting hurt more than they ever deserved.. I honestly don't understand why it's so difficult to just treat the person who cares about you the same way that they treat you. I honestly DON'T undestand. Yes I know, people are different, they have differently views on things, but I just find this to be one of the most common sense things ever. A heart is a fragile thing. Once it's scarred, it's scarred for life. I'm speaking all from experience; a heart takes a long time to heal. Especially in this case. She gives so much, does so much, offers more than he ever deserves, but it's all a "on way deal". I'm sick of selfish people, I'm sick of stupid people who don't know the common sense of living, I'm sick of people who take things for granted, although I think I'm being hypocritical about the "take for granted things". But overall, I'm just tired of seeing peop  le that are close to me get hurt. My friends are the most precious things to me in my life. They're the ones who keep me sane, the reason for my very existence to smile everyday. Seeing them get hurt is one of the most painful things I can ever endure. I just wish there was someone out there, who'd treat a person right. Treating someone elses heart, as they would treat their own. Tuesday, December 22, 2009 12:33 PM  I was sleeping, and in a deep sleep at that; I hear the door open, and someone comes in, and in my head, I just say "fuck fuck fuck, dad's gonna wake me up for school!" I get all pissed and I started telling him "DON'T WAKE ME UP! I didn't sleep till 2am last night!" Turns out, it was my mom giving me a kiss before she goes to work; it was already 8:30 lol.. That was such a fail on my part. So let's see.. I decided that I should not let my blog start rotting away, and actually, writing down everything that happens in my life is really a good thing. So right now, it's early morning. Well it's almost 1pm, but to me that's pretty early haha. Christmas is only a few days away, and I find myself not done with my Christmas shopping yet! In the rush of buying gifts for my friends, I completely forgot about my own family! What a good son/brother I am.. Hopefully tonight I'm able to go shopping for them. I feel so bad lol. In about 2 weeks, I have a singing performance! Haven't had those in a long time. Miss the feeling of being up on stage! I get to sing for a very good friend of mine who is now getting married! What a lucky girl to get a guy like my bro haha. Anyways, I am going to be singing "No One Else Comes Close--Joe Thomas" for their first dance! THEIR FIRST DANCE! That's freakin crazayyy! I've been practicing like no other; going to church and using the stage in the auditorium to practice, sitting in front of the computer for hours just singing that song. I really don't want to mess up on their FIRST DANCE! Omg lol. Anyways, a little more "juicy topics" to talk about haha. Will this turn out alright? Hopefully. I really am curious as to how things will turn out. Guess I'll have to wait till next week to find out. Next week.. that's a long ways away haha. Oh well, I can wait. Drags on the anxiety even more lol ;]
12:18 AM No answer, no reply, no communication; the longer I keep this up, the more I feel like I'm going to go insane. Maybe what I did was really a mistake after all.. I really find myself as a person who never learns his lesson. It pisses me off to no end, but at the same time, what can I do about it? Ever since yesterday, everything feels so different. I don't feel the same usual "myself" as I was before. The emptiness, the sadness, the loneliness; I'm just not sure if I'm able to do this. I'm trying so hard to forget about it, not thinking about; just to be able to keep moving forward, but every little thing that comes my way reminds me of you. Every song I listen to, the lyrics tear me apart on the inside because they are so true that it's ridiculous. Even at the movies today when I saw "the princess and the frog", it drove me insane on the inside, just seeing how a movie like that had such a happy ending. It tore me apart, making me ask why my life can't turn out like that? One simple wish upon an star, and all their dreams come true. For me, years of wishing, hoping, searching, but it still brings me no where. "I need you, I want you, can't you see this is killing me, I'm driving myself insane". Listening to lyrics like that coming from a song, damn how can I NOT think about it. I'm such a dumbass who doesn't realize what he has until it's gone. I really don't know how much I could screw up. "Why did I have to fall in love with you, I'm driving myself insane, but I know, without you I can't function no more. Baby you, you'll never look at me the same. You know it's really driving me insane, but I know without you I can't function. I'm driving myself insane". Truer lyrics could've never been spoken.
 Saturday, December 19, 2009 5:00 PM  did I make the right choice? Was I being stupid all over again and screwed up the one shot I had at happiness? My life always seems to go by the "Trial and error" tactic, and I'm gonna point out, that it's not really going so well for me.. Up till my senior year, starting from who knows when, I can't seem to ever make the right choices that actually make me happy. The silly little thing called "love" that people are so desperately in search of; I'm starting to think if it's going to become impossible for me. Should I give up? Yes. Am I going to? No. Guess it goes to show what a stubborn ass I can really be. I'm really tired of being hurt. I'm tired of putting so much faith into someone, but in the end something happens, and nothing turns out for the better. I try my hardest to be the "good person" I put myself out to be, however I don't think I'm doing a very good job at being that person I label myself as. Maybe I'm just another one of those assholes wandering the streets. Maybe I'm not really cut out for this. There are times where I wish I could just quit; throw in the towel, but that would mean all the years I've put into this would be all a waste. I can't do that, even to myself. So I guess in the end I've concluded that I will keep on trying. However.. I don't think I can give up on that one person just yet. So much has been on the line for this, and how do i have the heart, the strength, to just throw all that away? I've fought this hard for it, and I don't think I'm that willing to call it quits just yet. One final stand at this? That's what I'm going for, and hopefully that's all it's gonna take.
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About Me  Name: Brandon Ho Age: 17 Hobbies: Singing SN: azndudebrandon that's all you need to know about me. However if you'd like to know more, ask! That Song Youtube  Archive •September 2008 •October 2008 •November 2008 •December 2008 •January 2009 •February 2009 •March 2009 •April 2009 •May 2009 •June 2009 •July 2009 •August 2009 •September 2009 •October 2009 •December 2009 •April 2010 |